I received a Christmas Card in the mail last night. I know usually something I get excited about especially since it usually has pictures and that kind of thing in it. Not so this time I got one from my brother in law... He made sure to chastise me and remind me of forgiveness. Now don't get me wrong I have no problem with forgiveness in fact I think it's very important, however, to be forgiven I feel like you need to ask for forgiveness. I also feel like in the situation that we've been in over the past year forgiveness in next to impossible. I also think that after you treat someone like crap for 5 years forgiveness is a little easier said than done. You know maybe forgiveness would come when they asked for forgiveness and stop treating my child different than other relatives. I mean my son doesn't know them and I really don't care if he does know them. They have chosen not to see him, not to spend time with, not to be around him, and ultimately that is their choice.
He then mentioned Family and how important Family was and this is something I know. My Family is very important to me, but what he doesn't know is that our personal family has had a rough year and as a family we have perservered and conquered our issues. His family is not our family our number 1 family is our small little group made up of 3 and a half. As long as there is a roof over our heads, love in our hearts, and two children who are taken care of then I'm not worried about his family. Our extended families once married come second and I have to say that we are closer to my family then this other family. None of them invite us to do anything or request spending time with us so why would we make ourselves readily available. It's not going to happen, and it might as well be forgotten about.
Finally, Christmas is a special time of year and how dare you chastise someone in a Christmas Card that is supposed to be sent in good will. Not the best forum for such a thing.
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I am so sorry your brother-in-law has problems he is projecting on you. Forty-one years ago I walked in your shoes. In fact, I received a card in the mail, not a Christmas card, an unsigned creepy card, my name was given to singles ads in the newspaper, and threats were made to me on the phone at my parents house. All of this was courtesy of my brother-in-law who did not like me and according to him it was justified and it was my fault he did not like me. My inlaws did not like me either and of course his wife did not like me either. My children were always treated differently. Forgiveness? Please! You are way ahead of me. I actually believed there was something wrong with me at first. Eventually I realized it was all about him and all about them. They did not know me or me children. I divorced them after 13-years, but when you have kids it is hard to completed get rid of them. I did forgive them in time. Did his brother and mean mother and father deserve or want forgiveness? No. I forgave them for myself. I did it so that I would not go around ticked off.
ReplyDeleteWhat I can tell you is it is not about you, it is all about them.
More about forgiving my brother-in-law, sister-in-law, and mother and father-in-law. The forgiving did not come soon, and it did not come easy, it took a long time and I did not let them back into my life. We do not invited people into our lives that physically abuse us and those that emotionally abuse us are worse. I prayed to forgive them. My prayers went like this: "God help me for give my in-laws, I do not want to forgive them, but help me anyhow." I said that prayer over and over several times a day and was clear with God that I did not want to forgive them, but I wanted to be free of my anger. Over time I was free of the anger and over time I saw myself for the really kind decent wonderful caring individual I am. How could they form those opinions of me, they really did not know me. The root of the problem as it unfolded had nothing at all to do with me or my children. My mother-in-law had her first son, my brother-in-law, in 1942, after her husband when into WWII. She raised him by herself until her husband came home from the war. Not long after he returned she became pregnant again and my husband was born. She did not want him. You need only listen to her talk about him as a child and compare the two boys to know who her favorite was, my brother-in-law, not my husband. My husband told me when he was a child she would get mad at him and not speak to him for a month at a time. She would serve him his food, but not speak to him. He was an abused child and that abuse continued toward his wife. His brother, in his mind, was only trying to please his mother as he no doubt did while growing up being mean to his brother. It really had nothing to do with me and my children. As often happens, abused children grow up to be abusers and this is why I divorced him and in effect divorced them.
ReplyDeleteKris,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your story! I know all to well a similar one. Not that my husband was abused, but I have been told by many that he wasn't treated like his other brothers and that still holds true today. It kills me every time they leave him out or refuse him on something for the family. I made amends with his mother and father shortly before his father passed away and allowed them to see our son. His mother and I are getting along better, but the rest of the brothers well they haven't necessarily decided that we are genuine and I just keep telling himm that's their loss. It's a little hard to get from time to time. It's so hurtful, because I know in the same situation my family would not do what his has and that is something I don't and won't understand. My husband is a very kind caring, man who would do anything for someone in his family and to be mistreated makes me so angry. I may use your prayer to help me finish forgiving.